aUDreY*sSUMMER '23

feelings are conflicting

i love my dog

2 more exams to go. the halloween party was fun. 7 days ago

yesterday file ggot corrupted its hoth hot hot

ive been falling for way too long.
i need to know how long ive got 'til im gone

last week of school this week. rlly want to go to festival

it went alright!! asked about study, arubaito, takoyaki was okay. OKAY 6 more exams to go !!! i can understand japanese holy shit yeayayya im staying up to hear charli xcx remix w julian casablancas omggggggg

just breathe. ive got so much support ! first exam tomorrow. japanese oral. only 15 minutes. i can do it ! がんばってください　！　im a little *really nervous ahhh

its gonna be okay. i hope. jfc. anyways im at the library in the city right now. ill see if i take a photo to show. its nice and quiet. im studying for japanese. i hate being at home. fuck that shit. i cant do much. ill do some maths as well!

why do i ghost people whats wrong with me

yesterday i had dinner with his family. it was really nice. i hope he had a good birthday. i got a septum on thursday, 26/9/24. i couldnt go to a party. but the next day was something different.

im graduating in a couple of months holy shit. im gonna get a septum this weekend. but ill hvae to heal it upside down and hide it maybe forever

this sounds crazy but i found an acoustic guitar thats pretty much perfect in the bin yesterday night. its missing a string. its a cort guitar. i was literally just talking about how i wanted to buy one on fb market place. cort mr710f ns. my dad already ordered strings. everything is working in my favour. wow. i think its working. the iron infusion went well. i suddenly dont feel like im about to fall asleep. and i havent had coffee in the morning for a few days. i can function?

For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

 
- yesterday i almost cried in the cafe. matcha, berry breakfast smoothie and sandwich.
- saw a coles truck with my mother's maiden name. it passed by the window where we were eating
- today i almost cried in front of him on the bench
- he bought me iced strawberry matcha and gnocchi
- beautiful, smart, hot, nice, pretty, hot, perfect, handsome,
- said not to look down. its so hard to not look away
- said thank you. he said i dont need to. 
- i rlly dont deserve it
- my love
- he asked me if i was happy twice. i asked right now the first time. i said yes both times.
- i told him he makes me so happy.
- the placebo song beautiful james should be replaced with his name. no its not rizz

today is friday and i took fluoxetine for the first time. i wanted to cry in maths. i cried a bit in japanese. man my voice was fuckign shaky. how can i be like this

oh. wednesday will be interesting. i want school to end. it gets better and i sudmitted my course preferences for uni yesterday and i wrote the hardest statement ever.
walking home from school i saw a guy whos face looked like jeff buckley's a little. i walked along the left side

the concert was so fun. i love my friends and him. omg i love inhaler. also i think im depressed.

the party was interesting. i actually love him a lot.

sometimes i look at a photo and think i need to draw that right now. i just discovered i can draw again. yes i saw this photo of paul banks.

i am listening to Interpol Live at Underground, Cologne (2003) right now

open day. i cut my bangs again. i have a new camera

it might be a bit of anxiety. 3 things:
make a visual planner
tell him
get grounded (3, 2, 1)

ive had more thoughts about not existing lately. sometimes at school i find it hard to breathe and want to cry. what if im making it all up? i hate lying to everyone. btw my re teacher was like suffering is better than ending it like wow okay. nothing in life is worth killing yourself for. religion class is always fascinating. you know i never did the work for that movie called million dollar baby. im not sure what happens in the end, but maybe the woman's coach ends her suffering after a boxing match. he said they may have failed us as teachers. or shit. at teaching. we are not prepared. theyll kick us out and we'll have no one but who? our family. he said its rare to find good friends.

Live Forever

Maybe I just wanna fly
Wanna live, I don't wanna die
Maybe I just wanna breathe
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Maybe I will never be
All the things that I wanna be
Now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why
I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

yesterday:

୨୧ saw people i knew
୨୧ got a helix piercing. shit! that was very impulsive. i was by myself
୨୧ finished jjk
୨୧ watched ohhc
୨୧ cleaned my room
୨୧ finally found my gold necklace
୨୧ fe 330 pink olympus
୨୧ Gigaset GL7
୨୧ Cucina Matese Pesto Sundried Tomato | 290g
୨୧ love is for fools
୨୧ nobody gives a fuck

i realized i can do almost anything. my childhood is slipping away. the guy who pierced my ear was nice. 8 years of experience. sick. i made a quick decision. im gonna change.

wow a lot of people viewed my video. i love my digital camera. can i just rewind and go back to the 2000s? shes proud. nothing is permanent - l.n

hello internet its been a while.

i miss it. ive been feeling a lot of things. lately im consumed with so many ideas of chasing everything that i need to slow down or else.

i had this great idea of making an album. honestly its not the first time that thought has come across my mind. i opened some old docs on google drive and could have cried. i sounded so in love. i really was a writer. i still could be. being in love makes you inspired. at least thats what i think. so many things i created were based off of my feelings for somebody, or something. and not just romantic. any feeling really. i think thats so beautiful. and its painful.

im on my way to believing.


yesterday: watched gossip girl first time, hard to live in the city by ahj played, matcha bubble tea, matcha biscuit, sauna, then sleep.

music camp was fun. im glad i went. i only live once.

song im listening to right now: the answer by bloc party. bloc party is a band that makes me want to start writing my own songs. the strokes is another honourable mention. thats a band that makes me want to form my own band. sometimes i just want to be alone.

i am a mosaic of everyone i've ever loved, even for a heartbeat.

theres a reason why this is called little thoughts. i often let my mind wander and so many thoughts rush into my head about every (and any) single thing. also based on the bloc party song little thoughts which i downloaded as an mp3 from a youtube video just so i could listen to by uploading it onto spotify beacuse it was not avaiable but on the 7th of february it became avaialable and i was so happy. the one i downloaded sounds kind of different from the official one. theres gotta be others out there like me.

good, cry, friday. frank ocean is awesome. i love his songs. had good pasta today with caesar salad. made the sauce from scratch by lola. looking for places. its weird. everything is weird. the internet is a strange place. IM GOING to see CHILDISH GAMBINO

GUYS I have 200 subscribersss wtfffff on yt!! 🩷 so weird but cool. also 1000 likes on tumblr!! hooray. two milestones for me today. i never really knew how to use tumblr until late last year. damn and youtube is really interesting. its weird how someone actually found it from school lmaoooo but its all good. also so excited for formal next month.

performance wasnt the best but not completely shit. anywayyyysssss never doing that again! thank god im out of here by the end of the year. also: im his gigigyuudsyhrdtduj now. wtf. that movie was so shit. i hate horror movies. 💕

auditioned today. sooo apparently ill be closing act? woohoo! i am gonna sing talk by beabadoobee and play guitar!! tbh i did not plan to sing that at all. i thought i was gonna do that sick solo from the strokes reptilia. bought a guitar bag today. accidentally gave the guy 60 bucks instead of 50. he had to run out the store lmao and hand the rest to me. oops. FUCK engilsh thing tomorrow!! ugh. dont get me started. and im gonna watch a horror movie with him. on saturday. despite me saying roblox horror games terrify me. i dont think ive ever seen a horror movie in the cinemas before. cant do that shit. 3 fucking weeks in a row. i need to prepare for assessments and upcoming things. music camp is in 3 weeks? omg why is time going so fast

how is it almost may already? also wtf is masked singer? WHAT HAPPENED TO NORMAL TALENT SHOWS AHHHH. if i try maybe hell change his mind and consider coming. dead happs

yesterday took me for sushi, i saw someone with a strokes shirt on so cool, record store, elevator, sounded the exit alarm door, but i’ve got a formal date! library, chess, random gallery, bubble tea, 45, walking around aimlessly, went past river, scariest thing ever, guitar store, and something else before i left.

i dont like labels. cried. hooray. its cool.

why did the counsellor almost make me think that everything i was doing is completely alright and nothing bad is happening and it looks like im on the right path but i have no fucking clue what im doing and i want to do this and that but really one sounds more realistic than the other and by realistic i mean socially acceptable and will receive the approval of certain family members but during that time was i lying a little or just saying what i thought should be said and i was saying so much at once and it felt as if i was saying a lot of meaningless words and im unsure of how i really feel and i genuinely cant just say oh i want to die exclamation mark just kidding and everyone goes through this particular year and it is achievable because otherwise they wouldnt still be doing it like yeah okay its not impossible but now what am i doing am i really going to try something before i go to camp do i know how much and oh never mind its cool im going out on saturday and i want to bla bla bla but hey i dont know where we are going but its all g hey thats my line are you literally me but i got scissors and cut my bangs yes i know i said i wouldnt but i did because for some reason my brain thinks cutting my hair will satisfy my need for some change in my life and im a completely new different person and i rely on that gel black eyeliner pencil to feel pretty but one broke because of my carelessness so i bought another one because i cant find a sharpener and now im looking forward to saturday but we better pick a place fast and bass is still fun but im going to learn PDA by Interpol on guitar maybe ill do it as a performance originally was thinking reptilia but PDA feels right and i cant find my digital camera charger its somewhere i just need to clean but why do i have so much to do i hate procrastination and now i will think about the step not the staircase bullshit because oh i think too much and get overwhelmed so i just wont do anything but i will absolutely spend hours to learn something so off topic and not related but saturday is coming around again and it has already been a little over a week

soo.. i think we are going out again. do i lie to them? oh oops musical rehearsal is on saturday instead! but no. im hanging out with somebody. omg we. are. going. to. hang out. again. should i do this? ugh. why are things so complicated. fuck me. fuck.

i bought a bass

ive got the tickets. hes said yes. so... we are going! cant wait to see inhaler! im actually glad to be alive right now.

ive got two tickets to inhaler, baby
come with me friday, dont say maybe
im just a teenage dirtbag, babyyy like you

no way was that not a date. thats totally not normal right? omggg

someones gonna get some cooooookies

lets do this again xx

i am excited about life. even if its for a moment, its still something.

im behind. the dress is so pretty, i hope i wear it well for formal. silver is nice. i am still sad. i have so much to do, where do i begin?

last day of term 1.. forever. no musical rehearsal today. but i applied for class captain last week and now i am! for homeroom. hooray! god fuck it thats it im gonna code. i need to challenge myself and make a good resume. also, why are people so confusing? i asked someone about being in a band. how cool would it be? i hate facebook!

hello.

im fucking tired but i can tsleep, so / heres. a song i made. how do i function? i should sleep earlier. but i love the night. its actually quiet. also, hello anyone who reads this i guess. i have 2 more days of term. i want it to be over. im so scared of the future and everything but ughhh.. theres an increased amount of interpol art going around on tumblr. i have definitely contributed lmao

really into aphex twin. and roblox. combination and what do we have? i dont know. also yes, fuck you v1 - 25/3/2024, 15.45.mp3 is the name of the file.

meet me in the bathroom is my new favourite book!! fuck i want to be in a band. i wanna dj. on friday (22/3/24) i walked like 10 km in my dr martens. but i got to read some of the book. friday was actually fun. a and i totally carried at the 'escape room' thing. thats the most ive talked to some of the people in my class actually. i love karen o. i love interpol and the strokes. i wish i was in new york city. i think im starting to know how to use tumblr. picked up my jumper.

if i had a dj set, i would use these songs. i dont know, but somehow i will make it work

i did it. 75 minutes actually. done. im okay. i feel better. im scared. one sac done. how do we finish next week? holy shit! maybe life isnt so bad. also, bonus. hehe

:D talked to me. for like, a second. haha thats so stupid. i wonder if really did overhead me.. its just glasses! silly contacts..

i found my red bracelet today. i thought i lost it. i was so sad. its so important to me. i wont lose it again. it was in my shorts

goodbye i have a sac tomorrow oh no.. i am trying to study. procrastination is going to be the death of me.

for a brief moment, I almost lost this song: Arcade Fire - Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains). I could imagine the tune, but didnt remember the lyrics. it would have been impossible to find it.

my memory is something. oh i should use it to remember those two special little triangles, shouldnt i? or that stupid unit circle. unit circle you are a fascinating, beautiful, horrific thing that i do not want to remember in 1 year from now. im tired and busy. how do i write an essay again? within 1 hour?

"I need the darkness someone please cut the lights"

i got 6/15 on the math test. i really need to try more. fuck. i hate logs and all that stuff. but i need to know them. ugh. and those two stupid little triangles and that circle. why why why did we go from degrees to radians.

roblox is cool. i found an interpol gropu there and strokes one too. i played yesterday for the first time in months.

i have edited my tumblr site. its got an scm music player too. help what do i wanna do after school? do i do comp sci? IT? but what do i know. design?

lately ive been drawn to the church to find some peace in my life. i lit a candle. why? i dont really know. just felt like it. i dont really know what to do.. i like the chruch because no one is usually there and it's only me. i dont necessarily go there to worship or pray intensely. i like how quiet it is. everytime i walk in there i just stand and walk around aimlessly. lmao. then i sit. and think. but sometimes its hard. i was listening to interpol, their album 'our love to admire'. mind over time has been in my head again. but today i got scared because someone was there. how long? unknown. haha i kinda walked fast out of there.
i have a methods test tomorrow as well as a data one. fuck me. and i had a japanese one. and i have an english one next week. dear god or whoever is out there please tell me how to do this.

but then again, there's a lot to look forward to. for instance, formal, music camp, the musical, um.. uni open days i guess. term 1 is coming to an end really soon and i dont like it.

i want to meet people with similar music tastes to me. but where do i even begin? i want to go to local gigs or be a part of a garage band. that would be awesome. i hope i meet more people who play instruments. i think im into photography now. i want to make a film. i want to take photos at a concert for artists. i think thats cool.

who even reads these

okay school is a sausage machine according to my re teacher. wait till i reach 35. awe, wonder and fear. look up at the sky but you cant see anything because of light pollution. we have lost our senses

i printed 55 photos today. i got my hair toned or whatever. it feels healthier now.

omighty is really expensive. i want that gerard way skirt badly. and the meds baby tee. and the tumblr one.

my music taste is fabricated from the people in my life, as well as my own personal experiences. a lot of it is influenced by my parents, but also people who have come and gone. their presence still lingers and has left an impact on me. its quite interesting how much my music taste has changed from when i was younger to now. im so grateful for music. i absolutely love discovering new music. there's so much out there. i love finding music. well, when music finds me. sometimes a band's music has actually been a part of my life for a while without me realizing it. but the moment it reaches me, i actually wont be able to stop listening and it becomes so special to me.

ive been listening to a lot of placebo recently. my dad actually likes them. i found the cd for their album. yesterday i took some photos of a lot of buildings in the city. really felt like paul banks lmao. people keep talking to me about music and i am currently loving it. um someone wants to listen to indie rock? well what can i say. the strokes. yes. arctic monkeys. oh but of course interpol! i love putting people on my fav bands. its so fun. i feel like ive made a tiny impact on someone's life.

i finally ordered meet me in the bathroom by lizzy goodman. i am so particular. i wanted the cooler book cover copy. so i didnt purchase it in store. and i kept asking if they had it in stock. no only online. so yes i paid for it online. technically only half thanks to my christmas voucher valued at $30. i cant wait to read it. new york city, bands of the 2000s. think lcd soundsystem, the yeah yeah yeahs, interpol!! the strokes and more. god i cant im looking forward to reading 600 pages of interviews and looking at images.

i saw my ex bffs sister. i recognised her still after almost 7 years.
an iced chocolate is $9.
unko = poop = tae

tutoring wasnt bad. we spoke a bit. he noticed me at the end of the period grinding out the conclusion. my tik tok reposts are fucking awesome. changed my whole spacehey layout to an interpol themed one. god i love this band.

im fucking tired. i got two awards today. i got the script today. can people just shut up? obstacle 1. turn on the bright lights is my favourite album as well as is this it.

i got one thing wrong on the kanji test. i got an A on my practice essay even though i didnt write a conclusion. huh. i think i can write. someone said she liked my glasses. very 'bayonetta like'. i need to write an essay in Japanese tomorrow. i got 20/35. HELP trying to draw stupid graphs.

today i walked home early. it was still school time. for some reason, i felt the urge to step into the church. yes, the church ive walked past every single day for the last couple of years. the door was open, so i walked in. ive never been to an empty church alone before. i dont know what made me want to walk in. maybe the need for some guidance in my life, or to feel something. im not very religious. i could be. maybe i should be. i prayed. it was quiet. i think i just needed some more time alone with my thoughts. i just walked around a bit and looked up at the ceiling. the windows. the light was nice. my mind drifted to that one movie. love exposure. when did i watch it? on the summer holidays i think. i cant remember. god that movie is really something. 4 hours? was it? or more? it really is one of a kind. how did i even discover it? i think from that image i saw on pinterest.





if you wanna watch it this is it. your life will change i guarantee. in some way.

okay i also want to:

୨୧ be in a band

we talked about procrastination today. i had to make smart goals. we watched a ted talk. my life is okay. i wrote a pretty good essay. my teacher remembers me from 2 years ago. i forgot about views and values. theres lots to practice. i have a kanji test tomorrow. im a part of the musical. i have a rehearsal on thursday. paul banks is really cool. so is trent reznor. my wall now has an emily the strange poster on it. i changed some pictures. i have no more storage on my email

i want to do so many things in this life. i want to:

୨୧ learn how to play drums and get a drum kit
୨୧ learn how to bass drums and get a bass
୨୧ go to new york city
୨୧ live in japan
୨୧ be a graphic designer
୨୧ work in cyber security
୨୧ be a coder
୨୧ be a rockstar

i went ice skating with my friends today and ate greek food and drank a thick hot chocolate from san churro. it was so good. im scared to use spacehey lmaooo. who posts gore? idiots do. god why is my yt channel sort of embarrassing? too late now haha.

today i successfully completed my goal. i did burn a cd for the first time. i would like to say I HATE ADS SO MUCH I DONT USE SPOTIFY PREMIUM LOLL I ABSOLUTELY CANT STAND THEM. so ill be using my cd as much as i can hopefully. ads are the worst thing ever. anyways some people on spacehey explained really well to me so hooray! :D its got 20 songs. this is the whole track list btw.



um but i was up until 4 am which was not good. i feel sort of hot. i hope im not getting sick. im gonna go ice skating with my friends tmr for a birthday. plsss dont make me sick

:(.

i love my dog. today my mum bought 5 caramel choux from this nice bakery. i love caramel choux. i really struggle with procrasination. i have a lot to do but i find it really hard to start it. my head hurts. i need to do maths.

today was swimming carnival. it was so hot but i still wore jeans. i didnt swim either. also had tutoring today.

BUT I HAVE A PLAN: i am going to try burn a cd for myself. for the first time!! some people replied to my comment on spacehey and gave some helpful advice so im gonna follow that. the internet is a fun place. hold on this is what someone said:

bro it's easy, just get imusic or whatever its called these days (you can download it on windows too). Create a playlist with the songs you want on the disc and then put an empty disc in your computer and it will give you the option to burn it on the cd.

another person replied: You can also use Windows Media Player 12 to burn CDs. Just download some music files, open them up in WMP, click the "burn" tab, drag them to the list panel to the right side, and finally, click "start burn". Of course, you'll need a blank CD disc and a disc drive (either inside your computer, or an external one via USB like what I use).

im just leaving this here because im super forgetful and wont remember how to do it and im really bad at following instructions but its okay ill try.

today is a special day beacuse it only happens once every four years. but i dont think anything interesting happened today. at least not yet.

well remember how i auditioned to be a part of the musical last minute? i am now in it. hooray. i dont know who the person im playing is. im a bit scared ngl. it will be fun i hope.

my introduction for english was alright :) i need to get better at writing.

i asked a question in religion.

i think my teacher is sort of insane. he is strange. it was about a burning bush. why is everyone so silent? im so scared to talk. no one speaks. he actually got really excited when i asked something. i think i felt sad when he said it was like he was talking to mutes. i think people are afraid too. or dont care. im a curious person but terrified of asking things. i asked how moses saw god in a burning bush. like what?? youre in the dessert. its hot. im genuinely curious. he went off about how he it isnt certain.. something about never touching or grasping ?? and he gets scared when people ask him whether he believes in god. he said people who do are deeper into the faith or something. i dont know. people do what they want. also he said that the pope or something said to be weary of people who are certain. uh huh. i guess being so sure of something might limit you thinking about what could be more out there? like he was going on about some stars and how theyre light years. we look up at them and know we can never ..idk.. i forgot. do we really know whats out there? beacuse i feel like we cant truly comprehend it. theres so much beyond this world and our lives. we will never reach or know everything. so i guess we have settled with that. we wont know everything, but we still try to understand because we want to know why. okay next lesson ill ask some other question. i feel like people got pretty bored. but i just want to talk because at least im not wasting this time. i think its important to actually engage with the teachers and class. but people just dont see the point anymore. i want to try and get something out of every lesson i go to. whether that be something little. anything really.

today i discovered some lost media thing on youtube called audrey and friends. its an old show from 2000s i think. i like it. super interesting.

life lately:
୨୧ i changed my hair parting to a side (slightly)
୨୧ i changed which mirror slide door is in front

What have i done. i just auditioned impulsively for the musical little shop of horrors. ngl i dont care but i just did it. so why not. also theres a character called audrey? hey thats my name! and guess what song i did? yep leave it all to me icarly

i would really want to do it. its just im not sure if i can handle it with the amount of school work. but im really lazy. i need something to keep me busy. so i actually have something to balance with you know. i dont work part time anymore. so i have more time.. well see how it goes.

im kinda of scared. fuck i was nervous auditioning. it was so fucking last minute. am i even gonna take this role? it would be nice to hang out with people. it was just for fun. okay now time to wait until wednesday. thats when the casting comes out. bro i sort of dont want to be cast but at the same time what if? what if i get a role? hm ill think about it.

im paranoid i heard someone singing that exact same song when i was in the bathroom. i really dont want people to hear me sing lmao isnt that ironic when. i literally just signed up for a musical

today we wrote letters in homeroom to our future self. how will that go?

i dont think you need to wait for a special occasion. just do it now or else you might never have the chance.

i love the internet

i truly believe everything happens for a reason

if you arent afraid of ai by now, maybe you should be

i just wrote the worst essay of my life
for the first time i edited a setlist on setlist fm (faye webster)

　今日、私はおちこむをかんじます。このかんじの方がを分かりません。学校で、あまりのしゅくだいをしませんでした。私はいそしいは一人のクラスメイトと話したでほとんど２時間でした。たいてい、私たちはあまり話しません。でも、おもしろいと思いました。また、すうがくのクラスで、私のとなりにすってしました。

この人はちょっとかっこいと思います。うーん。。このクラスメートは私のかた思いでした。^_^　とてもはずかしいですね。。

i just watched a youtube video about someone having an ego problem. its kinda relatable. (very)
it made me realise that having an big ego isnt just thinking highly about yourself. it can also be the complete opposite. for example, you think everyone hates you or something. you're still only thinking of you. is there a way of just feeling neutral? whats that thing called? when you kinda feel detatchment from yourself? ego death? im not entirely sure. how do i actually not care about what other people think of me? maybe ill never reach it. and it could take a whole lifetime.

what to do what to do. so much to do. but i physically cant do it all. it sucks. missing out. fomo on life pretty much describes me. today was an interesting day. why am i so tired? and why is my room constantly in a messy state? does my room really reflect my mind? cluttered, fun, a collection of useless but sentimental things, images of favourite bands and musicians? by the way im still confused since the 4th. i graphed a ribbon on my cas calculator.

my desk is covered in trinkets and little bits and bobs. i really cant concentrate so ive moved to the dining room table (ha ive taken over) because i need to escape my room. and i only come back to relax or sleep. well at least try to. or else i could spend an eternity getting distracted by closed boxes and piles of journals and paper. the sudden urge to declutter when in reality, its a fruitless attempt to clean my space. a sad excuse. a justification. because in the end, ive never truly cleaned my room. i just rearrange things and call it a day. i need to deep clean my space properly. ill ask later.

tomorrow will be good. it will be better. im so excited for it. its going to be warm (highest 27 degrees celsius, lowest 15) so looks like its denim shorts, tank top weather i guess with dr martens. yes im wearing dr marten boots no one can stop me fuck off

why am i so forgetful? does that mean i dont care? i do. maybe a lot. but how did i forget? i hate texting. why? i dont even know myself. i either take too long to reply or never reply at all.

im so very tired. i just want to sleep but i cant fall asleep. i just want to rest. forever. but i feel restless because i dont want to do nothing. i need to do something so i feel somewhat productive and not completely useless.

make a time machine so i can travel to the early 2000s and go to all those sick music festivals. oh i cant forget: athens 2003 march 40 watt club

im afraid of listening to a certain type of music in case it exacerbates my thoughts and feelings.

Am i just a moody teenager going through this little phase in life? but what if its not a phase? haha. what if its not little? what if its maybe medium size? a large? no sugar? half ice? yes please. ill take that. with pearls over anything.

foreshadowing. earlier today in a silly little conversation. only now some think its the funniest thing ever. but i dont. maybe later ill laugh. but not now. it was all so great. how did it go so wrong?

i hate the colour red. i hate it so much. today i discovered something. red dye looks so pretty and pink stained on a wipe. blood does not. dye looks like the colour of cotton candy or a rose. the latter looks dull, gross, and unsightly. what have i done?

i dont think i could truly ever hate someone forever. no matter how much i say it i never really mean it. only in the moment. how can you stay mad at someone you love?

what was that thing sylvia plath said? “There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. Whenever I'm sad I'm going to die, or so nervous I can't sleep, or in love with somebody I won't be seeing for a week, I slump down just so far and then I say: "I'll go take a hot bath.” well unfortunately i couldnt take a hot bath. but i did take a hot shower for a good 20 minutes. with the song little thoughts by bloc party on loop. i streamed the ep today for the very first time. thats probably the only good part of my day today. before everything turned to shit. i really like skeleton. but now tulips might be my new favourite. i am very dramatic. i am so sorry.

i really like the song storm and stress.

Promise you'll say if it gets
Promise you'll say if it gets too much
Don't be so scared of corners
Don't be so tired of this life

Okay maybe im just a bit dramatic. (just a little). a few more days and im going to the festival. tomorrow is someones birthday. tik tok can be interesting?

i went to a party yesterday. it was cool. i talked to some new people. im talking to somebody who is very confusing. in a good way? undecided. what does he want? my parents came back from japan. i got a sonny angel. i missed them a lot. i got new stickers. ive already put two on my laptop. sometimes i get this feeling of despair randomly. i want to burst into tears and let everythign out. but then it goes away. so was it really ever there or did i force it to disappear? i kinda of feel a sense of anguish when im alone and its just my thoughts.

wait

trials and tribulations... like that LCD Soundsystem song. shit. connections when you dont expect it. thats what happens quite frequently to me. i notice connections in very random things.. but seriously. i have endured (still eduring) the trials and tribulations of high school. sometimes i want to kill my old self. the only thing who can fuck this up is myself. no one else. high school can be the worst. i cant wait to just get out of here. some experiences were good. but mostly im looking forward to never going back again. just one more year and im gone. so this is it. im gonna put in the work for the last year and whatever result i get is what ive worked for. the result i deserve. i appreciate some people. only a handful. am i truly happy? no. but i am anticipating for when that day comes. ive been happy. but it has always been a brief, fleeting feeling. usually something materialistic can give me that feeling, or an experience like a concert. but they dont last forever, do they? no. how do i be truly happy without relying on those things?

this year is gonna be living hell. i think i really got to work with my classmates more. occasionally when i stare at myself in the mirror i dont feel like im real. or when i see photos of myself i think is that actually me? wow. im an actual person. i am somebody who exists. who lives. i wonder how it would be like to view myself the way other people see me.

listening to music really sets your mood for the rest of the day. i dont listen to as much sad music and im a lot more happier. i mean not the happiest but better. rn ive really been into edm/electronic music. especially aphex twin, the chem bros, crystal castles, the prodigy, etc. my mum likes the prodigy. thats how i discovered them. im fucking screwed. i hate school. it gets better i hope.. when its over.

Sometimes I feel like it's just
୨୧ me
୨୧ my guitar
୨୧ my thoughts
୨୧ my journal
୨୧ and music
against the world. And I think I'm okay with that.

Also just realised neocities is called neocities not neocites. haha dumbass.

so i got new glasses and i absolutely love them! its a dark red colour. i love red. also i added a new page called where to find me on my cite. its so much cooler than those boring links. also. i got 50 subscribers on youtube?? what the hell. thats super cool dude. i didnt think people would enjoy my random silly video haha.

Hey! so i pulled an all nighter just to watch saltburn. loved the soundtrack. overall pretty funny movie. expect for haha. NO HUGE SPOILERS but i didnt expect that twist lmao. i love rosamund pike. PULP reference??? i love this modern love. i remember at the concert from last year when the first notes were played i recorded on video and there you can hear my ugly screaming voice! so embarrassing. this is why i dont post all my concert videos. i didnt know mgmt time to pretend was in the movie! sick.

Well hello. It is my second blog. today i am going to pick up my glasses. seriously. i only got the text yesterday and you know whats ironic? my sister was picking up her glasses too. so we gotta go back to the same place today!! oh my god. i was still chilling at home. im excited. #2014 will be my year. new me. lol. i like tumblr! its super cool too xd

well this is it. my first blog. :D so this whole page is still a work in progress. ill fix it later. for now ill just blog? what do i do?
lets see. well i made my first yt video on the 4th January. i honestly didnt expect that many people to see it (but its the internet, so im not that surprised) but still! it was mainly for myself. ive always wanted to make videos. even if theyre really short. or little song covers. guess what? then i got subscribers?? no way dude. 46 random people subscribed.
i think the internet is pretty cool. sometimes you find awesome stuff. if i didnt know about spacehey, i might not have found neocites, or that bloc party album another weekend in the city. i love that band. i actually liked it before i found out about interpol! interpol might be my new favourite band. maybe as much as the strokes.
when school starts i think i will not be updating or checking this website much :( but oh well. at least i did something cool over the summer. ive been really obsessed with ribbons. seriously. is it like how people were obsessed with moustaches and cow prints years ago?

i love them so much i have a folder dedicated to just bows and ribbons on insta and tt.
god i am bored out of my mind. i love spotify by the way. so cool.