Dear ########,
im so over everything!! wtf is up? lately ive been watching anthony bourdaine: a cooks tour. i was watching in english. i have a few more subscribers on youtube now. my dad bought me a camera today. life is so good. am i just dramatic? am i overthinking it? maybe it's all in my mind and i make it sound worse than it really is. wow i could just be happy? just like that? how can i be fine on some days then others i feel close to breaking down and just ending it? im being dramatic. obviously. duh. maybe. im not fazed by the thought of death crossing my mind. that is if it's me whos dead. i used to think about the repercussions and i could think of a few. sometimes i feel off. but then the days i do feel great, i wonder if i was ever sad in the first place. what's going on? its hard to hold it in during school. i feel like im so fake to everyone. ive been relating to the song dead by korn a little too much. really thats all anyone wants. It seems funny to me... How fucked things can be... Every time I get ahead... I feel more dead so what now? how do i go on from here? so i told someone else other than her. now i have made a visual planner of things to do everyday so i can try and cross it out and feel better. but why do i still feel uncertain about everything? i ended up decorating this note book that has no cover. i keep wanting to cry. theres this feeling in my chest that makes it a little hard to breathe. but im calm. i tried to get grounded. im starting to do that a lot more now. im afraid to tell people everything. she mentioned that if we really have to there are medical options. god dammit. why is this happening all now? even if i do all these things, wait, there it is again. like i swallow and it feels tight and suffocating. he asked me if im depressed. i didnt exactly say yes; well i didnt deny it. i look so tired. what is wrong with me?

im so done!!!

Dear ###########,
today is august the first. i fear i was being too dramatic. it will all be okay. or so im telling myself.