aUDreY*sSUMMER '23

LITTLE THOUGHTS

7/3/2024:

im fucking tired. i got two awards today. i got the script today. can people just shut up? obstacle 1. turn on the bright lights is my favourite album as well as is this it.

6/3/2024:

i got one thing wrong on the kanji test. i got an A on my practice essay even though i didnt write a conclusion. huh. i think i can write. someone said she liked my glasses. very 'bayonetta like'. i need to write an essay in Japanese tomorrow. i got 20/35. HELP trying to draw stupid graphs.

today i walked home early. it was still school time. for some reason, i felt the urge to step into the church. yes, the church ive walked past every single day for the last couple of years. the door was open, so i walked in. ive never been to an empty church alone before. i dont know what made me want to walk in. maybe the need for some guidance in my life, or to feel something. im not very religious. i could be. maybe i should be. i prayed. it was quiet. i think i just needed some more time alone with my thoughts. i just walked around a bit and looked up at the ceiling. the windows. the light was nice. my mind drifted to that one movie. love exposure. when did i watch it? on the summer holidays i think. i cant remember. god that movie is really something. 4 hours? was it? or more? it really is one of a kind. how did i even discover it? i think from that image i saw on pinterest.





if you wanna watch it this is it. your life will change i guarantee. in some way.

5/3/2024:

okay i also want to:

୨୧ be in a band

we talked about procrastination today. i had to make smart goals. we watched a ted talk. my life is okay. i wrote a pretty good essay. my teacher remembers me from 2 years ago. i forgot about views and values. theres lots to practice. i have a kanji test tomorrow. im a part of the musical. i have a rehearsal on thursday. paul banks is really cool. so is trent reznor. my wall now has an emily the strange poster on it. i changed some pictures. i have no more storage on my email


4/3/2024:

i want to do so many things in this life. i want to:

୨୧ learn how to play drums and get a drum kit
୨୧ learn how to bass drums and get a bass
୨୧ go to new york city
୨୧ live in japan
୨୧ be a graphic designer
୨୧ work in cyber security
୨୧ be a coder
୨୧ be a rockstar


3/3/2024:

i went ice skating with my friends today and ate greek food and drank a thick hot chocolate from san churro. it was so good. im scared to use spacehey lmaooo. who posts gore? idiots do. god why is my yt channel sort of embarrassing? too late now haha.

2/3/2024:

today i successfully completed my goal. i did burn a cd for the first time. i would like to say I HATE ADS SO MUCH I DONT USE SPOTIFY PREMIUM LOLL I ABSOLUTELY CANT STAND THEM. so ill be using my cd as much as i can hopefully. ads are the worst thing ever. anyways some people on spacehey explained really well to me so hooray! :D its got 20 songs. this is the whole track list btw.



um but i was up until 4 am which was not good. i feel sort of hot. i hope im not getting sick. im gonna go ice skating with my friends tmr for a birthday. plsss dont make me sick

:(.

i love my dog. today my mum bought 5 caramel choux from this nice bakery. i love caramel choux. i really struggle with procrasination. i have a lot to do but i find it really hard to start it. my head hurts. i need to do maths.

1/3/2024:

today was swimming carnival. it was so hot but i still wore jeans. i didnt swim either. also had tutoring today.

BUT I HAVE A PLAN: i am going to try burn a cd for myself. for the first time!! some people replied to my comment on spacehey and gave some helpful advice so im gonna follow that. the internet is a fun place. hold on this is what someone said:

bro it's easy, just get imusic or whatever its called these days (you can download it on windows too). Create a playlist with the songs you want on the disc and then put an empty disc in your computer and it will give you the option to burn it on the cd.

another person replied: You can also use Windows Media Player 12 to burn CDs. Just download some music files, open them up in WMP, click the "burn" tab, drag them to the list panel to the right side, and finally, click "start burn". Of course, you'll need a blank CD disc and a disc drive (either inside your computer, or an external one via USB like what I use).

im just leaving this here because im super forgetful and wont remember how to do it and im really bad at following instruction but its okay ill try.

29/2/2024:

today is a special day beacuse it only happens once every four years. but i dont think anything interesting happened today. at least not yet.

well remember how i auditioned to be a part of the musical last minute? i am now in it. hooray. i dont know who the person im playing is. im a bit scared ngl. it will be fun i hope.



27/2/2024:

my introduction for english was alright :) i need to get better at writing.

i asked a question in religion.

i think my teacher is sort of insane. he is strange. it was about a burning bush. why is everyone so silent? im so scared to talk. no one speaks. he actually got really excited when i asked something. i think i felt sad when he said it was like he was talking to mutes. i think people are afraid too. or dont care. im a curious person but terrified of asking things. i asked how moses saw god in a burning bush. like what?? youre in the dessert. its hot. im genuinely curious. he went off about how he it isnt certain.. something about never touching or grasping ?? and he gets scared when people ask him whether he believes in god. he said people who do are deeper into the faith or something. i dont know. people do what they want. also he said that the pope or something said to be weary of people who are certain. uh huh. i guess being so sure of something might limit you thinking about what could be more out there? like he was going on about some stars and how theyre light years. we look up at them and know we can never ..idk.. i forgot. do we really know whats out there? beacuse i feel like we cant truly comprehend it. theres so much beyond this world and our lives. we will never reach or know everything. so i guess we have settled with that. we wont know everything, but we still try to understand because we want to know why. okay next lesson ill ask some other question. i feel like people got pretty bored. but i just want to talk because at least im not wasting this time. i think its important to actually engage with the teachers and class. but people just dont see the point anymore. i want to try and get something out of every lesson i go to. whether that be something little. anything really.

today i discovered some lost media thing on youtube called audrey and friends. its an old show from 2000s i think. i like it. super interesting.

26/2/2024: 14:18

life lately:
୨୧ i changed my hair parting to a side (slightly)
୨୧ i changed which mirror slide door is in front

What have i done. i just auditioned impulsively for the musical little shop of horrors. ngl i dont care but i just did it. so why not. also theres a character called audrey? hey thats my name! and guess what song i did? yep leave it all to me icarly

i would really want to do it. its just im not sure if i can handle it with the amount of school work. but im really lazy. i need something to keep me busy. so i actually have something to balance with you know. i dont work part time anymore. so i have more time.. well see how it goes.

im kinda of scared. fuck i was nervous auditioning. it was so fucking last minute. am i even gonna take this role? it would be nice to hang out with people. it was just for fun. okay now time to wait until wednesday. thats when the casting comes out. bro i sort of dont want to be cast but at the same time what if? what if i get a role? hm ill think about it.

im paranoid i heard someone singing that exact same song when i was in the bathroom. i really dont want people to hear me sing lmao isnt that ironic when. i literally just signed up for a musical

today we wrote letters in homeroom to our future self. how will that go?

25/2/2024:

i dont think you need to wait for a special occasion. just do it now or else you might never have the chance.

24/2/2024:

i love the internet

i truly believe everything happens for a reason

if you arent afraid of ai by now, maybe you should be

23/2/2024:

i just wrote the worst essay of my life
for the first time i edited a setlist on setlist fm (faye webster)

2024年2月21日

　今日、私はおちこむをかんじます。このかんじの方がを分かりません。学校で、あまりのしゅくだいをしませんでした。私はいそしいは一人のクラスメイトと話したでほとんど２時間でした。たいてい、私たちはあまり話しません。でも、おもしろいと思いました。また、すうがくのクラスで、私のとなりにすってしました。

この人はちょっとかっこいと思います。うーん。。このクラスメートは私のかた思いでした。^_^　とてもはずかしいですね。。

18/2/2024:

i just watched a youtube video about someone having an ego problem. its kinda relatable. (very)
it made me realise that having an big ego isnt just thinking highly about yourself. it can also be the complete opposite. for example, you think everyone hates you or something. you're still only thinking of you. is there a way of just feeling neutral? whats that thing called? ego death? im not entirely sure. how do i actually not care about what other people think of me? maybe ill never reach it. and it could take a whole lifetime.

9/2/2024:

what to do what to do. so much to do. but i physically cant do it all. it sucks. missing out. fomo on life pretty much describes me. today was an interesting day. why am i so tired? and why is my room constantly in a messy state? does my room really reflect my mind? cluttered, fun, a collection of useless but sentimental things, images of favourite bands and musicians? by the way im still confused since the 4th. i graphed a ribbon on my cas calculator.

my desk is covered in trinkets and little bits and bobs. i really cant concentrate so ive moved to the dining room table (ha ive taken over) because i need to escape my room. and i only come back to relax or sleep. well at least try to. or else i could spend an eternity getting distracted by closed boxes and piles of journals and paper. the sudden urge to declutter when in reality, its a fruitless attempt to clean my space. a sad excuse. a justification. because in the end, ive never truly cleaned my room. i just rearrange things and call it a day. i need to deep clean my space properly. ill ask later.

tomorrow will be good. it will be better. im so excited for it. its going to be warm (highest 27 degrees celsius, lowest 15) so looks like its denim shorts, tank top weather i guess with dr martens. yes im wearing dr marten boots no one can stop me fuck off

why am i so forgetful? does that mean i dont care? i do. maybe a lot. but how did i forget? i hate texting. why? i dont even know myself. i either take too long to reply or never reply at all.

im so very tired. i just want to sleep but i cant fall asleep. i just want to rest. forever. but i feel restless because i dont want to do nothing. i need to do something so i feel somewhat productive and not completely useless.

make a time machine so i can travel to the early 2000s and go to all those sick music festivals. oh i cant forget: athens 2003 march 40 watt club

im afraid of listening to a certain type of music in case it exacerbates my thoughts and feelings.

8/2/2024:

Am i just a moody teenager going through this little phase in life? but what if its not a phase? haha. what if its not little? what if its maybe medium size? a large? no sugar? half ice? yes please. ill take that. with pearls over anything.

7/2/2024:

foreshadowing. earlier today in a silly little conversation. only now some think its the funniest thing ever. but i dont. maybe later ill laugh. but not now. it was all so great. how did it go so wrong?

i hate the colour red. i hate it so much. today i discovered something. red dye looks so pretty and pink stained on a wipe. blood does not. dye looks like the colour of cotton candy or a rose. the latter looks dull, gross, and unsightly. what have i done?

i dont think i could truly ever hate someone forever. no matter how much i say it i never really mean it. only in the moment. how can you stay mad at someone you love?

what was that thing sylvia plath said? “There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. Whenever I'm sad I'm going to die, or so nervous I can't sleep, or in love with somebody I won't be seeing for a week, I slump down just so far and then I say: "I'll go take a hot bath.” well unfortunately i couldnt take a hot bath. but i did take a hot shower for a good 20 minutes. with the song little thoughts by bloc party on loop. i streamed the ep today for the very first time. thats probably the only good part of my day today. before everything turned to shit. i really like skeleton. but now tulips might be my new favourite. i am very dramatic. i am so sorry.

i really like the song storm and stress.

Promise you'll say if it gets
Promise you'll say if it gets too much
Don't be so scared of corners
Don't be so tired of this life


6/2/2024:

Okay maybe im just a bit dramatic. (just a little). a few more days and im going to the festival. tomorrow is someones birthday. tik tok can be interesting?


4/2/2024:
i went to a party yesterday. it was cool. i talked to some new people. im talking to somebody who is very confusing. in a good way? undecided. what does he want? my parents came back from japan. i got a sonny angel. i missed them a lot. i got new stickers. ive already put two on my laptop. sometimes i get this feeling of despair randomly. i want to burst into tears and let everythign out. but then it goes away. so was it really ever there or did i force it to disappear? i kinda of feel a sense of anguish when im alone and its just my thoughts.

wait

trials and tribulations... like that LCD Soundsystem song. shit. connections when you dont expect it. thats what happens quite frequently to me. i notice connections in very random things.. but seriously. i have endured (still eduring) the trials and tribulations of high school. sometimes i want to kill my old self. the only thing who can fuck this up is myself. no one else. high school can be the worst. i cant wait to just get out of here. some experiences were good. but mostly im looking forward to never going back again. just one more year and im gone. so this is it. im gonna put in the work for the last year and whatever result i get is what ive worked for. the result i deserve. i appreciate some people. only a handful. am i truly happy? no. but i am anticipating for when that day comes. ive been happy. but it has always been a brief, fleeting feeling. usually something materialistic can give me that feeling, or an experience like a concert. but they dont last forever, do they? no. how do i be truly happy without relying on those things?

this year is gonna be living hell. i think i really got to work with my classmates more. occasionally when i stare at myself in the mirror i dont feel like im real. or when i see photos of myself i think is that actually me? wow. im an actual person. i am somebody who exists. who lives. i wonder how it would be like to view myself the way other people see me.

listening to music really sets your mood for the rest of the day. i dont listen to as much sad music and im a lot more happier. i mean not the happiest but better. rn ive really been into edm/electronic music. especially aphex twin, the chem bros, crystal castles, the prodigy, etc. my mum likes the prodigy. thats how i discovered them. im fucking screwed. i hate school. it gets better i hope.. when its over.

22/1/2024:
Sometimes I feel like it's just
୨୧ me
୨୧ my guitar
୨୧ my thoughts
୨୧ my journal
୨୧ and music
against the world. And I think I'm okay with that.

Also just realised neocities is called neocities not neocites. haha dumbass.

16/1/2024:
so i got new glasses and i absolutely love them! its a dark red colour. i love red. also i added a new page called where to find me on my cite. its so much cooler than those boring links. also. i got 50 subscribers on youtube?? what the hell. thats super cool dude. i didnt think people would enjoy my random silly video haha.

15/1/2024:
Hey! so i pulled an all nighter just to watch saltburn. loved the soundtrack. overall pretty funny movie. expect for haha. NO HUGE SPOILERS but i didnt expect that twist lmao. i love rosamund pike. PULP reference??? i love this modern love. i remember at the concert from last year when the first notes were played i recorded on video and there you can hear my ugly screaming voice! so embarrassing. this is why i dont post all my concert videos. i didnt know mgmt time to pretend was in the movie! sick.

14/1/2024:
Well hello. It is my second blog. today i am going to pick up my glasses. seriously. i only got the text yesterday and you know whats ironic? my sister was picking up her glasses too. so we gotta go back to the same place today!! oh my god. i was still chilling at home. im excited. #2014 will be my year. new me. lol. i like tumblr! its super cool too xd

13/1/2024:
well this is it. my first blog. :D so this whole page is still a work in progress. ill fix it later. for now ill just blog? what do i do?
lets see. well i made my first yt video on the 4th January. i honestly didnt expect that many people to see it (but its the internet, so im not that surprised) but still! it was mainly for myself. ive always wanted to make videos. even if theyre really short. or little song covers. guess what? then i got subscribers?? no way dude. 46 random people subscribed.
i think the internet is pretty cool. sometimes you find awesome stuff. if i didnt know about spacehey, i might not have found neocites, or that bloc party album another weekend in the city. i love that band. i actually liked it before i found out about interpol! interpol might be my new favourite band. maybe as much as the strokes.
when school starts i think i will not be updating or checking this website much :( but oh well. at least i did something cool over the summer. ive been really obsessed with ribbons. seriously. is it like how people were obsessed with moustaches and cow prints years ago?

i love them so much i have a folder dedicated to just bows and ribbons on insta and tt.
god i am bored out of my mind. i love spotify by the way. so cool.